Horoscopes for Barflies

Aries:  (March 21 – April 19) Close but no cigar! What she actually said was that “you were a vast suppository of useless information.”
Taurus:  (April 20 – May 20) We understand that Shakespeare was a Taurus, but that gives you absolutely no right to incorporate “When he himself might his quietus make with a bare… »

Aries: (March 21 – April 19) You and your cousin recently debated the merits of taking either an “adventurous” or a “heroic” dose of ketamine and pig tranquilizer. As your eyes loll up and down to the shallow rhythm of your shattered brainwaves, know that you both overshot. Good luck with the “round peg in… »

Aries: (March 21 – April 19) Remember that night when you were really drunk, but we all encouraged you to “dance like no one’s lookin?” You go live on YouTube today at noon! Search for “spastic chicken.”

Taurus: (April 20 – May 20) Yes, you did hear her correctly. She said “there was… »

Aries: (March 21 – April 19) You will soon discover that ‘avoid direct eye contact’ is more important than ‘apply to affected area’ when it comes to fungal sprays. Contact a physician immediately

Taurus: (April 20 – May 20) Far too late you will learn that when he asked you to come along… »

Aries:  (March 21 – April 19) Stop trying to be the leader all the time. Drinking doesn’t have to be a competitive sport, it can also be a slow, mutual stagger to an unfamiliar bed.
Taurus:  (April 20 – May 20) You brain-dead, drunken fool. She’s not impressed with the your ability to slur in Spanish… »

Aries: (March 21 – April 19) You are the ram. Solitary. Stoic. Arrogant. Useless. Your great skill, bashing your head against hard things, makes you look silly. Everyone makes fun of you.

Taurus: (April 20 – May 20) Conditions are perfect today to kick back and relax with family and all those… »

Aries: (March 21 – April 19) For God’s sake, don’t touch it! And if you do, don’t touch anything else. If that spreads any further you’ll need to be patched with spackle. Gross. Lucky Number: 911.

Taurus: (April 20 – May 20) You know how they say girls are made of sugar and… »

Aries: (March 21 – April 19) If your future could be magically transformed into a country and western song, hundreds of thousands of American Rednecks would spontaneously burst into tears and order cheap whiskey.

Taurus: (April 20 – May 20) After a night of wild partying, you’ll finally find a safe… »

Aries: (March 21 – April 19) Eat your greens, watch your cholesterol and exercise daily if you want to prolong your silly and pointless existence.

Taurus: (April 20 – May 20) Being born under the star sign “Taurus” means that you love to end up on top – but from what we… »

Aries: (March 21 – April 19) As an Aries, you enjoy taking risks. And we enjoy laughing about them when things go horribly, horribly wrong. Nice skin graft, by the way!

Taurus: (April 20 – May 20) Get ready, your fifteen minutes of fame is almost here. Thank God… »