The Surly Bartender

The Surly Bartender – Global Climate Change Amongst the Nose Pickers

By Michael Tallon on Wednesday, January 27th, 2010

The Surly Bartender has a question: If one group of people spent 20 years of their lives sticking bits of soap up their noses and giggling as they harvested lint from their navels for a midday snack, while another group of people spent the same 20 years studying, say, global climate change, might you understand… »

The Diddling Bartender – Making the Noodles With Grandma

By Kevin Petrie on Thursday, December 24th, 2009
Scout_Sign

Diddle: To insert ones fingers into a soft moist place and twirl rhythmically. To many this definition of ‘diddle’ may suggest a sexual connotation, but to me it simply says ‘Grandma’. Wait. Let me clarify. I’m talking about noodles here. Wait. Let me clarify further. I only diddle with Grandma on Christmas Eve. That still… »

The Surly Bartender – How Much Freedom Can One Man Stand

By Joe Bageant on Wednesday, December 9th, 2009
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Freedom comes in many forms in America, and new forms are constantly being created. The latest has been freedom from basic financial security. The weakened economy has given corporatists an excuse to, as they say, “let workers go.” Which sounds as if companies are granting employees some sort of freedom: “Go on George, twenty years… »

The Surly Bartender – Enough With the Bullshit

By Michael Tallon on Wednesday, August 19th, 2009
bullshit-21

Regular readers will know that the Surly Bartender has a long list of triggers. He can be set off by just about anything said in his bar that smacks of stupid or smells of bullshit. Generally, this column grows from some particularly festering nugget of dumb that got pushed into his brain by customer or… »

The Surly Bartender – A Tale of Two Kitties

By Michael Tallon on Friday, May 15th, 2009
angrycat1

The Surly Bartender has long had a very clear sense of the hereafter. In his mind, Heaven is a bar in which, during his off hours, he can always find a seat, the cigarettes don’t give you cancer, the music is the all roots rock and angry, while the booze flows freely from the hands… »

The Surly Bartender – Frog March The Bastards

By Michael Tallon on Wednesday, April 15th, 2009
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The Surly Bartender voted for Barack Hussein Obama and wishes him well, but he’s not much accustomed to running his engines on hope. Rage. Bitterness. Righteous indignation. Beer. Any of these elixirs give his 12 cylinder spleen the fuel it craves and he turns over like a raging Lamborghini, but hope tends to gum up… »

(Guest) Surly Bartender – Nine Billion Little Feet

By Joe Bageant on Thursday, January 15th, 2009
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The Surly Bartender is on a short leave of absence from La Cuadra. In place of his usual column, one of America’s greatest voices has agreed to pinch-hit. Joe Bageant suffers no fools and coddles no arrogance. In the course of a story he sits you down, buys you a beer, makes you feel comfortable… »

The Surly Bartender – Where are the Crazies?

By Michael Tallon on Tuesday, November 18th, 2008
Our Kind of Santa

Dear Santa, I only want one thing for Christmas this year, but it’s really important.
I need a new Savior.
I’m not complaining about the old savior. He’s cool, but his story has been totally co-opted over the past few thousand years by the starched and polished set, and…well… that’s just not my bag. I know this… »

The Surly Bartender – Of Mavericks and Memes

By Michael Tallon on Thursday, September 18th, 2008
WOLVERINES!!!!

Though this may surprise regular readers, Red Dawn, the cheese factory hit of 1984 that traces the effects of a full scale Soviet land invasion of the United States on school spirit, is one of the Surly Bartender’s favorite movies. Piece of shit though it is, it has some hilarious scenes – and, as a… »

The Surly Bartender – Brace Yourself Bridget

By Michael Tallon on Sunday, July 27th, 2008
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Do you know the old joke, “What’s the definition of Irish foreplay?”
It’s when the stern husband looks at his guilt ridden wife and says, “Brace yer self, Bridget, this might get a bit rough.”
Now the Surly Bartender can attest – and, if necessary, provide medical records to prove – that this provincial, view of Celtic… »

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