A Little Bit of Blasphemy – Superhero Jesus

A few months ago we ran a joke about a talking dog. People loved it. It was cute, had a funny lead-in, a bunch of cursing in the body paragraphs, booze references were sprinkled liberally throughout the page and it finished with an unexpected, roundhouse-to-the-balls, punch-line. Since then we’ve been getting requests to again run “…another really funny page like you guys did that once…”  Now, we’re prepared to let that backhanded compliment slide, if our readers will let us slide with a different kind of joke. You see, the Talking Dog Joke is a true rarity. Even with all the cursing and the booze – the joke is clean. It doesn’t touch on any taboo subjects. It doesn’t make fun of anyone’s beliefs, race, gender, sexual orientation or the shape of their genitals. Jokes like that don’t just grow on trees. They are Brigadoonian jokes, appearing only once a decade or so.

In other words, we could not find another gigglemaker like it, although we’ve searched high and low – mostly low. Even after several 12 hour, multi-location, editorial board meetings (a.k.a. “a pub crawls”), we have admitted defeat and accepted that if we are going to do this thing, we will have to run imperfect material.

But what, exactly?

A few on the editorial board argued for pure smut in the “Sand Paper Sally” tradition. Others suggested something more topical, maybe with a political corruption angle. One drunk voice at the end of the bar even suggested a “pun page” with a picture of a “Page” reading limericks to a laughing knight. Rest assured, the owner of that voice has since been silenced. Permanently.

Finally, we agreed to bring in our semi-fictional San Pedro reporter, Rocco Dooley, Jr. to choose a direction and run with it. That way, we, the editors, are not responsible for his material. All he told us was that he wanted to “Go sacrilegious,” on the premises that only “seriously crazy” religious people are offended by jokes. “Like them wacky, Stab-a-Danish-Cartoonist jihadi ijits,” and concluded that “we need way fewer of them people, anyway.”

Rocco, we couldn’t agree more. He calls this joke, Superhero Jesus.

One day, after going to the gym, Superhero Jesus was out walking around his old neighborhood in Nazareth.

They love him in Old Nazareth and he loves them. He feels comfortable here; he can breathe here – away from all those pestering disciples with their “Rabbi this and Rabbi that…” Back home in Nazareth, he is with his people. He can relax and get in a good workout every day before healing some lepers or raising the dead.

“It’s nice here,” thinks Jesus.

As He passes the temple, He waves a holy hello to Hadad the Grinder and pats the cute little Benhadad on the head. Up ahead there is a group of citizens gathered in the main square. Jesus decides to go on up and see what’s shaking.

“It’s not market day today, is it?” Superhero Jesus wonders.

But the sun overhead warms his soul and the worry passes. Jesus thinks to himself, “Ahhhhhh…. nothing could go wrong today….”

Even Superhero Jesus should avoid thinking things like that.

When Jesus is about two blocks from the market, he starts to hear heavy, intermittent, arhythmic thumping – each blow being followed by a woman’s wailing.

“Shit,” Jesus thinks to himself. “What is it with these Nazarenes and their stonings? They’re like a bunch of Ninavehian children with the stoning.”

Superhero Jesus breaks into a uphill sprint. As he reaches the market he executes a perfect flying lotus hurdle over Jediel’s vegetable stand, lands with a diving shoulder roll, springs to his feet and pushes his way through the crowd.

Once in front, Jesus shields the woman’s body from the crashing stones. It is clear from her dress and her ruddy makeup that she is a prostitute – a sinner. But Jesus comforts her nonetheless, brushing away her tears and helping her to her feet. She begins to revive.

Still shielding her body, Jesus turns sharply to the crowd and in a resonant baritone he bellows, “MAY THE ONE OF YOU WHO IS WITHOUT SIN CAST THE NEXT STONE.”

Silence strikes the assembled. They shuffle on their feet. Jesus hears the sounds of stones being dropped to dusty earth.

“Just as I thought,” thinks Jesus as he lowers his powerful arms from around the woman’s head.

Just then a rock sails from the crowd and smacks the prostitute right between the eyes, again knocking her senseless. She falls limp in Jesus’ arms.

Superhero Jesus looks up and scans the crowd for the one who threw the stone. His eyes settle upon an old woman slowly removing her veil.

He looks the woman dead in the eye and says, “Mom, sometimes you REALLY piss me off!!!”

Cue the rimshot: Ba, dum, dum, chisshhh…

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This article was written by Michael Tallon on Thursday, January 15th, 2009